Ways to Cheer Up Your Senior

 
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Making the transition from independent retirement to assisted living (whether that’s a retirement community, nursing home, hospice care, or anything else) can be stressful at best, traumatic at worst. Here are a few jokes to ease the transition.

Millicent and the Baby

At the doctor’s one day, 65-year-old Millicent is told to sit down.
“You’re pregnant!” he says. “I don’t know how it happened, but you should prepare for a baby.”
In shock, Millicent goes home and does as the doctor tells her. The baby is born, a healthy boy, and Millicent happily cares for him. One day, her friend, Ruth, comes over to visit.
“Can I see the baby?” asks Ruth.
Millicent nods, but says, “First let’s have some tea.”
The two women chat and have tea, and Ruth asks again, “Can I see the baby?”
“Oh,” says Millicent, “but you haven’t had a biscuit yet.”
Ruth thinks it’s strange, but is too polite to say anything and has a biscuit.
After an hour, she asks for a third time, “Can I see the baby?”
“Not yet,” replies Millicent. “We have to wait until he cries first.”
Exasperated, Ruth asks, “Why on earth do we have to do that?”
“Because,” answers Millicent, “I forgot where I put him.”

Conversations

Three seniors are out for a stroll.
One of them says, “It’s windy today.”
“No way,” says a second. “It’s Thursday.”
The third remarks, “Me, too. Let’s have a soda.”

Write it Down

A couple in their nineties are both having some short term memory loss. While in for a checkup, the physician says that physically they’re okay, but since they’re having trouble remembering things, they might want to start writing things down.
Later that evening they’re sitting and reading, when the husband gets up.
“Would you like anything from the kitchen?” he asks.
“Some vanilla ice cream,” his wife replies.
“Okay.”
“Shouldn’t you write it down so you don’t forget it?” she asks.
“Don’t worry, I won’t forget.”
“Well,” she says. “A few raspberries on top would be great. You want to write that down?”
“I’ve got it, honey. A bowl of vanilla ice cream with raspberries on top.”
“And chocolate sauce, too. Maybe you’ll forget that. Want me to write it down for you?”
A little miffed, he replies, “I’ve got it! Ice cream, raspberries and chocolate sauce. I don’t need it written down, for gosh sakes!”
He waddles out to the the kitchen. A half hour later, he comes back with a plate of ham and scrambled eggs, and gives it to his wife.
She looks at the plate for a few seconds, then says, “You forgot my toast.”

Texting Short Codes

Technology isn’t just for youngsters anymore, as seniors are increasingly getting on board with texting and tweeting. Here’s a list of shortcuts for texting that seniors may find handy.

  • ATD: At The Doctor’s
  • BFF: Best Friend Farted
  • BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
  • BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
  • CBM: Covered By Medicare
  • CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
  • DWI: Driving While Incontinent
  • FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
  • FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
  • FYI: Found Your Insulin
  • GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
  • GHA: Got Heartburn Again
  • IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
  • LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
  • LOL: Living On Lipitor
  • LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
  • OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
  • OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
  • OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas
  • ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing…Can’t Get Up
  • TTYL: Talk To You Louder
  • WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
  • WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
  • WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
  • WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

 

Remixed Songs

 

  • “You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon
  • “How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the BeeGees
  • “I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash
  • “These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra
  • “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores
  • “I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles
  • “Talking’ ‘Bout My Medication” by the Who “Bald Thing” by the Troggs
  • “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones